Naked On A One Way Street

my eyes Was inspired to write today. Lots on my mind. Again and again I always get stuck.
Stuck with word crafting. Stuck with structure. Stuck with clearly expressing what it is I am trying to share.
So consider this a rant, a letter, a simple share from a friend. There will be nothing formal about this post.
I am just going to throw up everything that comes to mind. Raw, unfiltered and unadulterated thoughts to paper.
Nothing fancy or eloquent. Just a pure, open and honest conversation.
If your brain functions in anyway like mine, you are on a constant swirl of figuring things out.
Seeking solutions yet simultaneously quieting the mind. How to better your current situations in every which way imaginable, as though your life depends on it.
Any thought you conjure creates your bodies state of health. Negative thoughts create a negative order or a negative command to the cells, tissues and organs you carry in your body.
So if you continue to think negatively your body will create that same negative floating ball of energy elsewhere.
And it will more than likely show up as a headache, migraine, or a cancer of some sort if prolonged.
Point of that tidbit? I don’t know, it just came to mind. Store it somewhere in your hippocampus because its vital information. So here’s the fun part of this letter. Roam into my thoughts and dreams for a minute and help me make sense of this.
I had a dream I was showering naked in the middle of a one way street last night.naked
It was awkward. I felt a bit shy about it, but still carried on with washing away the lathered soap from my body.
Couldn’t tell if people were there watching because I was completely focused on me. Plus something inside of me preferred not to know.
This was a completely lucid dream by the way. Not sure what it meant, but amidst all the small bits and pieces of this dream, this naked memorable sensation was stored.
Why am I showering naked in the middle of a one way street? Broad day light? Yes. There was absolutely nothing hidden. Completely naked, open and exposed to the public.
Although I have insecurities with my body, the choice was deliberate on my part.
I notice I place myself in tough and difficult situations because I love the feeling of uncertainty. The challenge and the default sense of faith that gives me permission to think that everything will be ok.
Faith, not to be confused with fake. You know me, I prefer to faith it and not fake it.
So what do you think? How can I interpret this dream?
Maybe its because my unconscious is constantly telling me I can do whatever the hell I want.
But this is a bit obsessive. A bit much, dont’cha think? Naked in public? Come on!!??
A few sources are saying its a purging and cleansing process.
Perhaps it is, but that still leaves me with uncertainty. I share this with you because I think it is fascinating how the brain observes and interprets things in the awaken and dreaming world. I think ultimately I have to be honest with myself, aye?
In reality, dreams will hardly ever tell you something that you don’t already know on some level- its more likely that I have been repressing or pushing something aside. Its probably sex. I probably need sex.
Well, here I am, post dream. So whats next? What do I want?? Maybe I should find a one way street, pitch a tent and shower naked to find some answers because my mind is playing tricks on me? Though knowing myself, i’d take a different route. Pleasing my senses, and fulfilling the obvious is just way too easy. I think i am going to call on my ancestors for this. 93% full moon tonight calls for a summoning…join me if you like. Until next post…Peace and love.

Things you need
* A Staff (preferably one you have worked with before)
* Purification or protection Incense (I am using palo santo)
* A small offering (meat works well, though bread will work too. I am offering two tangerines tonight)
* 3 white Candles (any type will do, i just depends on how long you intend to hold the ritual)

This ritual works best at night though can be performed at any time
Form the candles into a circle around the incense burner (or incense) and light the candles and start burning the incense (note: if using stick or cone incense, keep a ready supply within the ritual area and light it with the candles, there can be no new fire added or it can disrupt the ritual)

(optional, but recommended) Cast a circle

Hold up your staff and visualize a light at its end as you say in a firm tone:
“Ancestors (name of ancestor) of Blood and Spirit, come to this light. Come to guide and aid me in this time and place, for I seek you wisdom and knowledge, please lend me your aid and grant me your presence in this sacred space”
Repeat the request three times, twenty minutes apart, then wait quietly for them.

Indications of a presence. How can you tell they are here? Some signs may be the scent of flowers, or favored cologne, a cool wind, movement of
curtains, and candles going out or twitching erratically.
Once you feel sure your ancestor is with you, make it short and sweet.
Take care of your business, say farewell, and thank them for their assistance before closing the circle.
Blow out the candles one by one and envision that they have left with the candle smoke.

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The Best in Being Alone

Why do we think of being alone more as a concept than as a constantly-fluctuating state of being? Much like an ominous storm cloud on the corner of a clear summer sky. We fear it because we’re taught that if we’re alone, it is a symptom of failing, something that we could not do or be in our own lives which brought us to the point where no one cares, where no one wants to be around.

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If you were to leave someone or if they were to leave you — whether a long-term friend or someone you had planned on marrying — there is a second, more important part of the story which has to do with you not being able to keep them. We see someone in a coffee shop having a meal or tea for one, and our first response is always pity. We pity the person they are in this moment at least partially because we pity all the things that must have happened to get them there.

We are going to find ourselves sitting alone in restaurants, or in our own apartments, fighting back tears because there is no one there to talk to (or, more significantly, the only person we actually want to see won’t come). But understand that being by yourself somewhere can often be a beautiful, wonderful thing. Solitude alone is not enough to be deserving of pity or fear. Because its often in moments of solitude where you realize just how not alone you are. In fact, when you take a moment to be intentionally alone, to absorb everything through the sole filter of your perception, you understand that life is filled with people and things who accompany you. There is a confidence that comes from being alone, a happiness in the more simple pleasures that often go unnoticed when we are distracted by the presence and opinions of others.

And it is this that is most beautiful about aloneness. It is realizing that what you’ve always feared, what you’ve always heard such horror stories about, isn’t being alone. It’s not “dying alone,” as if that were even a concrete concept. It’s all of the things that can lead to aloneness, it is the heartbreak whose pain we want to pawn off on the moments we’re sitting by ourselves in front of our stereo listening to the same song over and over again. The pain in loneliness comes from all that surrounds it, not the act itself. And when you spend enough quality time alone, you realize that it is indeed nothing to fear. You realize that you, by yourself, are happy and are confirmed in life and worth by everything around you. And though it will not take the edge off of the painful few moments that lead to us being alone, it is worth reminding ourselves that just because we’re eating alone at a coffee shop doesn’t mean we aren’t in wonderful company.

Inspired by Thought Catalog

This Year, People Get Evicted

Its hard not to look at your Facebook friends and your contact lists and not feel as though you have way more people in your life that you dont know or care for. Its not a negative thing- unless you’re pooling for the sake of connecting people and appearing “popular”. But doesn’t life and the relationships that really matter feel cluttered because of this? It is not that the people on our phone or contact lists are horrible people who are bringing our self esteem and/or life down, but the chances are those relationships really have no substance. Image

It becomes harder, yet again to distinguish who are “friends” and who are “acquaintances”. We might socialize with both. Invite them to parities or social gatherings and maybe even talk to them online every now and again, but how many can you actually say are close? How many will really make you feel great and encourage you to do great things? While there may be the obvious group of friends who are close to you among the unwashed mass of halfway close friends, there is usually a large group of “in-betweens” who are just not beneficial.

Perhaps it is fine to have many friendships that may not go anywhere in your life. And perhaps there is no harm in keeping in touch with people you don’t actually care about, or socializing with people who don’t interest you. But it is certainly true that there is a limited time to dedicate to friends, or however you want to define that term, and there is limited energy we have to dedicate to other people. While it is certainly exciting to have 50 people from Facebook attend your birthday party, it is definitely worth considering how many of those 50 people are truly your close friends. If you were going through a difficult moment, if you were even mildly inconvenient, how many of them would be there for you?

It may sound cruel and selfish but dont we owe it to ourselves to really take into account who is actually in our lives? There is no reason to be cold and aggressive about cutting people off or reducing their influence, but is it not an improvement to stop dedicating time and energy to people who don’t actually serve you right? To be honest with yourself about how many friends you actually have, and how many of them are actually just placeholders is difficult, but is it not worth it?

Surely we can have acquaintances. However there is no reason to have EVERYONE a close friend to you. It may feel good to have a social network that looks rich and flattering, but how much space should we rent to people who barely even know or notice they are renting space?

Come Up Stairs

Here, where my thoughts sway with pure demon is where I hide from you. I cant believe this person i’ve become, you are undoubtedly the one that makes me feel this way, you do. Seems so easy just to walk, just to run when we should learn to breath again, before we suffocate another one. And it isn’t until things have settled back down, into a place where they can be recognized and counted, that we start to feel the dense weight of what has changed. What more is there to do but cry. Not much is there to do but cry. Image

It is daunting that with you there was a palpable difficulty. Here I was playing with my wooden block toys, attempting to insert a triangle block into a square shaped cut out. It never fit, and yet I didn’t possess the perspective to understand that the shapes weren’t in agreement. Wondered at times what I was doing wrong, trying over and over again to make the impossible happen. And still at times, I wonder if the impossible can happen with you, whom i’ve invested so deeply.

I will never forget the many things you taught me about myself, about what it means to love and care even in the face of obnoxious indifference. I do also want to remember what it feels like to be hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am running, yours on my heart will teach me to be humble, vulnerable and kind. 

I know exactly how it feels to be cast aside with indifference, and I know that it’s a pain that the body itself takes a long time to heal. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale of how much damage words and actions can do — especially when they are insincere. And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn’t. 

Be well my friend.

 

 

But All Right

Just leave town. When you’ve tossed aside something so unique and so treasurable as the one kiss that came to us in and like an elevator pitch, then poof. Its gone. Foolish to be so undignified. Finally found you out, so this is my last good bye. Image

What the heck man, last I checked man, we had it all. Thought I new you, now its gone. This is my last goodbye. Just look ridiculous in your disguise. So what happened to you? Thought I new you. Love is not blind so how could I fool myself thinking this may go another time. Cos we use to be our life and soul. Keeping it me and you, everything in tune. No more. That was the last dance in this pain. This fractured pride has nowhere tangible to go except directly to the tune of this love song . So now I can use my head again. Run forever more to show my hand and say good night. I never know what I want or what I need. So maybe its best you stay away, indeed. I am not lonely, but im all right. 

Tell Me Nastasha…

And I will tell you. You know there’s not a soul alive who could understand you like you do. As much as you hold in your eyes your true self, there still remains the mystery of where your loyalty lies. Yes, this post is about that open letter in a box left as a clue, that song lyric. I want you to see my words and be driven enough in them to understand that no matter how much I want to burst into the limits of your mind and plant the truth of exactly how I feel, I know I am not going to. As you manage to take distance from my mind with no perception or devotion of what is next, understand the goal is not to hurt, but to stay happy, no matter what.

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You’d probably be upset if you new how much I think of you. How much of my daily activity surrounds itself with the likes of you watching some how. The world tells us we must live in  different camps of “together” and “separate”, what about those who fall in neither category ? I have no claim to you, but does that make us separate? Is the degree to which you have touched my life unimportant because it hasn’t been sealed with some kind of title?
We deserve honesty as much as we deserve kindness, and a lie of omission is still a lie, yes? So I suppose I am lying to you if I continue to hold back from saying, “I think of you. I wish my fear was something I could put aside and forget for even a moment”. I dont mean to lie. In this world you see me as a force beaming with conviction and confidently moving in progress.  While this may be true, I assume the responsibility of my actions and prefer to write letters to my self instead of sharing it with the person that needs to listen. I listen to music to better create a resurgence in me that will help numb the pain of not having the will to be responsive to you. I think to myself how easier it would have been to accept that even a flat “no” is preferable to hanging suspended in the unknown. I imagine, now if you were to ask, as though you really wanted to know, how I was, I’d simply say, “I am fine”. Though in my heart you are missed.

The ONE True Way

While clouded by the haze of political, social, religious, and hallucinogenic influences, all of which many of us choose to endure, how do Stoics, Hedonists or anyone belonging to a tribe, or even searching for placement practice living a free and happy life?

Do you give up early and take your life, as did singer Janis Joplin? Or American photographer, Francesca Woodman who, I just learned, on her quest to “connect meaningfully with others” committed suicide at the age of 22?

-More on Woodman here, written by Psy-Eroticologist, Dr. Charly (Conchita) Carlyle. Quite interestingly, Dr. Carlyle seduces you through her very own evolutionary-dialectic life similarly to Woodman in her photography. Except, Dr. Carlyle is very much alive-

Back on living free and happy: When our pleasures are dependent on such influences in the world, how do we resolve? According to Stoicism and Hedonism, the only thing we completely understand and control is our emotion and attitude. Admittedly, there’s grand importance in developing the right mental attitudes toward adversity, but im having challenges with the stoic belief of withholding pursuit of sensual pleasures “that will eventually… disappoint”? This means I’d have to resist my passions? Couldn’t imagine…

Passion, in every sense of the word, is how we are created. I sweat, inhale, exhale, love and praise sensual pleasures. Be it through physical or mental stimulation, it is humanistic to crave it. Then again, too much of anything may very well send you paddling up a shitty creek, ay? Tolerance varies by degree in all people, but we trust ourselves enough to know when to draw the line (or do we?).

When life is hard and full of things you have NO control over, things that lead to panic attacks and anxieties, how do we resolve? In my opinion, go where you can find self-generated peace of mind. Easier said than done, but bear in mind the words of  Marcus Aurelius“If you’re feeling upset, remember one day you will have forgotten all things and all things will have forgotten you.”

Indeed, a billion years from now those things will have been washed away like sand on the beach. And so will have your precious time.

All in all, quiet contemplation is our key to happy and free lives in the stoic sense, as does fulfillment of sensual pleasures in the hedonist sense. Of course the glutton in me wonders if  it is at all possible to find a world that balances both? A world with a little rugged edge that holds strength in the face of adversity, and a world that offers a little extra TLC to release that edge, even if it’s just for an inkling of relief, or hell, why not for complete certainty?  Why not?!

If neither Stoics or Hedonists were present we would be suppressed of any cultural, artistic and/or creative reification. Pleasures of today that never go out of style like sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll would not exist.

Of course there’s self-destructive potential here, but with a little math and wisdom, that is to say, snorting a couple of grams instead of the entire half ounce in one sitting…you wont end up suicidal like Janis Joplin or Francesca Woodman. It just seems that, the more we rise in our chase for apathy or pleasures, the harder the fall will be. Point I’m making here is, why should there ever be a fall? How can we make it balance?

While I’m still trying to make sense of my own idiosyncrasies and concurrently sasquatch-ing them into the artsy flow of living, I’ll continue to rock in my own crafted philosophy. Be, do, have a bit of this and a bit of that in the world of Adrianizms.

Call it avant-gard, helter-skelter-ish or even subversive, but one thing is for sure, I will BE HAVING the time of my life DOING whatever it is my heart craves. In the end friends, if we continue to follow the independent beat of our own drum, we will earn the reward of dyeing happily ever after.

Eternally Happy until someone even thinks of… you know what, I’ll leave that one alone.

Smiles 😀

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«´¨`·.Adriana¸.·´¨`»
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